The town’s championship – here’s the ultimate team check!

I don’t have to specifically tell you that Saturday, the title of being the town’s champion is again at stake. As we all know, a draw would be enough to successfully defend this title. But what are the odds that the FCSP will keep this title? Well, certainly only the MillernTon-Teamcheck can predict such things.

This team check will not only allow for comparison on different levels but also deliver a precise and sure score prediction. But please have a read yourselves:

Himmelmann vs. Heuer Fernandes

The goalie’s duel is hard to predict as both are currently playing a good season and have played in derbies before. But a decisive factor is that Himmelmann did already win a derby, while Heuer Fernandes didn’t. Nevertheless, I always have to think of the word “flycatcher” when reading Fernandes’ name (but who doesn’t, as both begin with an ‘f’). Whereas Robin clearly reminds me of the word ‘hold’.

HSV – FCSP: 0-1

Leo Østigård vs. van Drongelen

Yes, the same is true for these two guys, at first sight, it’s a clear duel on an equal footing or a duel at all respectively. Because what many don’t know: Rick van Drongelen is deeply in love with the FCSP. In the outer spaces of the internet, we found some incriminating material:

I love you, I am dreaming of you and in my dreams, you are the winner of the European Cup…

So, there will for sure be another own goal scored by the lovely Rick…

HSV – FCSP: 0-2

But as we all know, in hot matches such as a town’s derby, there’s also need for some experienced guys. In case of a crisis, those guys can lead the way to the win as they walked this way before. So:

Which player did actually win a derby before in the Volkspark ground? Right…

HSV – FCSP 0-3

And on the manager’s bench? Exactly…

HSV – FCSP 0-4

Tashchy vs. Pohjanpalo

We have to admit that we’re having a hard-fought duel on the position of the swagger though. Joel Pohjanpalo is solidly delivering in this regard: casually, he’s wearing Espadrilles, chino pants, a jaunty shirt with no sleeves and his hair is sitting tight. But…

…what about your body attitude, Joel?! Are you aiming to score goals as a Greek god, or what are you aiming for at all? And you need a pillow to position yourself? Don’t catch a cold, love? Nope, honestly, I am not impressed at all. No way, you’re about to win the swagger category! Clearly not, as we have something better to offer:

Sieh dir diesen Beitrag auf Instagram an

Слободка уан лав

Ein Beitrag geteilt von Boris Tashchy (@boris_tashchy) am

This is for sure the clearest case…

HSV – FCSP: 0-5

But let’s get back to the hard facts. Martin Harnik did already score 66 goals in the first division. These are a few more than all FCSP-players have scored together *coughing* actually, it’s only Johannes Flum on our side who managed to score in the first division from time to time (10 times to be precise). This has to be enough for something! Yass, Martin, it does! But not for a goal. Actually, I did some more research about your matches played in the first division. So for now, the score remains a 0-5.

But now there’s a real threat for the FCSP out there: Sonny Kittel has a Lion tattooed on his upper arm. Be careful: a LION! Against a lion, our tame players can’t compete as they are completely lacking tattoos. And it’s getting even worse: HSV’s president Marcell Jansen is even wearing a scorpion on his arm! Clearly scored.

HSV – FCSP: 1-5

But wait… Cologne’s cellar is interfering… the tattoo is under revision by the VAR. And yes: However, Jansen’s arm is showing a scorpion, but he is only referring to his zodiac sign. It’s simply spelled in the wrong way (Scorpio would have been the right technical term. But, as we all know, this is only familiar amongst the graduated supporter’s scene of the FCSP but not clear to the working-class supporters of the HSV). So, zodiac sign… *phew* such esoteric bullshit! The goal is denied! So, the score is still 5-0 from an FCSP perspective.

Sobota vs. Hunt

Aaron Hunt has clearly something to offer on his resume. German national player, youngest scorer for Werder Bremen in the Bundesliga ever, back then, he scored the 3-1 against Real Madrid in the Champions League… a brilliant footballer with a specific sense for the game. However, the thing he is clearly lacking is called “street credibility”. And this is something you don’t harvest in a Supercup match against the huge FC Bayern, Aaron! And also not in the Champions League against Inter or Real. No, you gain street credibility in cup matches against Flota Swinoujscie or GKS Belchatow or in the Europe League qualifiers against  Rudar Pljevlja. Waldemar Sobota walked exactly this way and earned his merits and he’s well prepared for another hot dance in the derby.

HSV – FCSP: 0-6

Luhukay vs. Hecking

Look, there’s a GIF of Jos. Sensational!

Fcsp GIF by FC St. Pauli - Find & Share on GIPHY

But wait, is there a GIF of Dieter Hecking available at all? Peeps, I searched the entire internet but the only thing I could find is about his brother Ray Liotta from which he was separated shortly after birth. But a GIF? There’s no such thing.

And the logical consequence: HSV – FCSP: 0-7

And while I was searching the internet for this article, I discovered this GIF-page. There’s even a separate channel of the hsv. Props, as they present themselves as a modern club now. But is there a goal against the FCSP as a GIF in the channel?

Syllvester Stallone No GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

And this is why the final result on Saturday will be a 0-7. Put a bet on it, better, even get it tattooed on your tummy, that’s definitely a sure bet!

//Tim (translated by Arne)

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