Thees Uhlmann is back again after “Please, don’t hit me now with Rhein II…“ and “Brown-White Wicca Cult“ here’s his third column.
Goodspeed, Speedy Hemmoor!
Despite euphoric times, this text must start with very sad news today.
Hemmoor is by far no city in which the cool kids give themselves high fives if they meet in large groups at the petrol station.
Fair enough. It always has been like this and shall remain exactly in this way.
But if there was one cool guy in Hemmoor, it definitely was „Speedy Hemmoor“.
Oh, how I loved watching summaries of HSV matches on the telly and this only for one reason:
I loved watching HSV matches because I could jump up from time to time, if the banners were shown at corner balls, to only scream in front of the telly surrounded by my mates:
„THERE’S THE BANNER OF SPEEDY HEMMOOR! And it says ‘SPEEDY HEMMOOR‘ AND THIS LAD LIVES JUST AROUND MY CORNER!”
Oh boy, how cool was that.
Just like two guys who randomly meet in the Australian outback
And the one is like: “And where are you from?”
And the other one is like: “I am from Drangstedt! And what about you?“
And the other one is like: “Really? I am from Flögeln!“
And both are like: “THE PERVERT TRIANGLE!“
This unforeseen moment of epiphany of the other in the other.
This is a thing, no one above 25 can sneak away from.
I don’t even know why I was always so happy, but I was always very happy.
Maybe because of this:
Maybe it’s not that far apart inside the brain, based on centimetres, where the synapses are burning right now.
If it’s just a dude from Hemmoor-South, like me, who decides to somehow become an artist and manages to make a living from it for about 20 years or it’s just another one from Hemmoor-North who decides: “I will become one of the five biggest HSV supporters ever!“
Both are very uncommon based on the fact of who we are and where we’re from, that we get such ideas, Speedy Hemmoor and I.
Probably it’s just the same inside of the brain. And I think that’s what somehow hit me a little and made me proud alike. And then there’s this feeling that makes me wonder why I am somehow proud of an HSV guy.
If friends of mine from Bielefeld or HSV travelled somewhere to watch 1887 away and they saw him, they were always starting to hit at him:
And they were just like: “Duuuude! We know Thees, Diggi, and we’re gonna take 1 picture for him now!“
And then my phone started buzzing and I started to enjoy it.
And then, you’ll take a look at it. Do you know this feeling when you’re alone but your mouth starts smiling so that one can see your teeth, just as big as your jaw starts making noise but not because of a laugh but just because of warm joy because people started thinking of you and involved a third person about that.
I am not finished thinking about that but it just hit on me that my daughter does it exactly like this, too.
For example, when Louise gifted her a real-life big Kanye West cardboard cut as a premature Christmas present. And then she entered the room with Kanye in front of her and the last thing my daughter could say before she had to open her mouth properly was „Oha! AS IF!“
And whenever I came across Speedys` house, I took a picture of the HSV flag (without using the flash) and sent it to Formeseyn and I wrote “Speedy Hemmoor!“ and Axel replied: „Speedy Hemmoor!“ And it felt like 1000 words and those were 1000 beautiful words.
One time, I came across him in Hemmoor within the best car of the world, a Vauxhall Meriva, and I said: “Good luck with the new campaign.“ and those were honest words somehow because suffering and resentment aren’t good feelings and one isn’t supposed to allow oneself such feelings in Hemmoor and then there was this one season … this particular one…
And somehow I still feel a little guilty because of that.
Man, Speedy, eh! Come on, that’s shite, isn’t it?
And if I really join Turbo and the rest undercover from Cadenberge to the Volkspark, maybe with a mixture in my hand („Thees! From Himmelpforten onwards – Kola Korn!“) we’ll cheer to you and think of you.
And if your club is promoted, I’ll go to your house and I’ll do a selfie without using the flash and I’ll send it to Axel.
You will never be forgotten.
Godspeed GTI, dear Speedy Hemmoor!
Derby with Wiebusch during Lockdown
Marcus Wiebusch really turned into a Corona friend of mine – again. Well, we’ve been friends bevor though, but the Covid tightened our friendship somehow.
Nerves were collapsing in Berlin, while I tested negative three times. Did one myself, did a citizen’s test and another one with a vet who was an expert for scabbed nasal cavities of fossil animals and then I headed towards the ICE train to
Wiebusch cheered me with a joyful “Ödi!“ and we started to prepare for the match in a city that wasn’t making any noise.
Daniel Thioune is safely one of the ten best Germans. Everyone knows that, everyone says so. At least, he’s so cool and super so one got annoyed already that somehow that cool and super became HSV-manager because it was totally obvious that they’ll get promoted with him.
And then I watched the telly with Wiebusch, it was actually the derby on “Premiere“ and then this wheel on this 10m2 huge screen started to spin because it couldn’t find the internet or it wasn’t good enough or something alike.
And I was: “Wiebusch!!! Should I open a hotspot for you, or what? This can’t be true.“
And whenever Wiebusch gets into a nervous state, he raises his voice to a high pitch and says:
“I have no idea either what I should do now!“
So Wiebusch was like: “I have no idea either what I should do now!“
Man, man, man, whenever they mention „Glasfaser!“ [fibreglass] in Altona they refer to an Asian dish with really thin noodles.
Well, somehow it worked out eventually, however really jerky.
This reminds me of a joke my friend Oliver Polak once told me (he’s famous and known from broadcast and television and from the pre-match report I wrote before the Aue match recently) when he mentioned that he just found a new favourite sex position.
This – as it is – is a great sentence.
„Thees, I found a new favourite sex position!“
Then one starts to scrutinize.
So I was like: „Which one?“
And he was like: „Buffering.“
Junge!!! [Boy!!!] (pronounced as Belgian as in “THE NEW KIDS“)
But let’s get back to Thioune:
But then, the four fire officers of USP sent a pyro spectacle up to the skies when the teams entered the pitch and Thioune and Schultz joined the pitch together and those two really handsome guys walked next to each other and Schultz looked at Thioune and both looked up to the fireworks in the sky and according to a befriended lip reading specialist Thioune said “Beeeautiful!“
Or something one says whenever there are fireworks and Thioune focussed the sky like a small boy who watches fireworks for the first time ever. Full of joy and with this saying from the English language, which I absolutely love, with a “Sense of Wonder!“.
And then I thought: “Oh this poor guy. He’s not going to win anything here tonight.”
This is no accusation at all. This is just straight from the centre of my brain whenever I watch bands playing on stage and I imagine that I exactly know who’s going to quit the band at first.
Well, but mostly I was right.
One time, I screamed from the window that St. Pauli had won because I was so happy about that and the answer was as if I would have screamed in space. This was totally crazy and will forever remain one of my defining lockdown moments.
So we wrote to Oke, whom we know because of music for much longer than because of footy, and we were happy and I said: “Spritzenplatz! With the maximum distance and then let’s look at each other from a 3-meter distance. Because it isn’t nothing though that happened tonight.“
Oke replied: “Party and Beer are gonna be difficult because there’s this virus. But for Borne, Luisa and me, it’s on our way home and I’ll also bring my dude von Premiere. Because he’s sleeping over at ours!
Okay, I say it as straight as it is, I took my beloved guitar and Wiebusch also wanted that I do so and then Wiebusch and I sang a very silent „Das hier ist Fußball“ for a very small audience.
And then Borne stated: “I start to get it now!“
Something like that is usually only worded in Lord of the rings, so it has to be good. And then I realised that Borne and Wiebusch have the same hair pattern and I got quite aroused by that because Noel Gallagher once stated that all the cool guys aged over 50, who’ll make it in the rock business have a firm hair pattern. He himself, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and of course Wiebusch too and they are now also joined by Bornemann. So this is another fact by now.
Rock ´n Roll Football, “Head of Sports”. Beautiful!
„Wild ist die Liebe, denn sie tut manchmal weh – vorletzte Minute – Daniel-Kofi Kyereh“ (Love is wild as it’s sometimes painful, with just two minutes to go – Daniel-Kofi Kyereh)
I quickly rhymed that. Okay, it’s a bit bumpy but it was already very late, too.
Then I walked home and whenever I am totally in love with the things that I love, I have to destroy them. So I took my beloved guitar and just pushed it in front of me like a cleaning brush until Wiebusch said: “WELL, ARE YOU ACTUALLY THAT STUPID?“. Then I realised that this was complete madness.
But the fact that my beloved guitar has some derby scratches now makes me very happy every time I see them.
Apropos – the Greek god of spontaneous ideas!
COME ON! IT’S DERBY! FUCK OFF!
And Speedy would have thought the same.
Next column with the top topics:
– Interview with Marcus Wiebusch
– my new friend from Dynamo Dresden
– I give Congstar a call and enquire about a better internet connection for Wiebuschs
(translated by Arne)
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